John Schneider and his late wife Alicia Allain Schneider at a radio station in Waco, Texas in 2018.Photo:Courtesy John Schneider
Courtesy John Schneider
John Schneider’s wifeAlicia Allain Schneiderwas unable to be at her daughter’s wedding, but theDukes of Hazzardactor found a special way to ensure she could be there in spirit.
Just one month before Alicia’s daughter Jessica Dollard was set to marry fiancé Daniel Turner, Alicia’sbreast cancer worsenedand she wasbrought home from hospitalfor hospice care.
“I’d lay at the foot of the bed and hold her hand at night, looking at her pulse, everything in me wanting it to keep going, keep beating, and everything in me wanting it to stop because she was in pain,” Schneider, 63, tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue.
“The thing that hurts me the most about it is that she had to endure pain. She had to endure fear,” he says. “In my overly chivalrous mind, those are the two things I’m supposed to keep her from ever having to experience, and I couldn’t.”
Jessica Ann Dollard marrying Daniel Turner at her mother Alicia Allain Schneider’s bedside a week before she died with Alicia’s dress hanging in the background.Kylie Noel Photography
Kylie Noel Photography
After her death, Dollard and Turner held their wedding as planned in Nashville on March 12. Schneider was in attendance for the nuptials, but found a heartfelt way to incorporate Alicia into the big day.
“I was in the front row holding Alicia’s wedding dress,” he says. “That was hard. One of Alicia’s friends had to come up to me ‘cause I wouldn’t put it down.”
“It gave me the sense that we are still real,” he continues of holding the gown. “I think it freaks some people out. ‘Cause I was supposed to just sit next to it, but I couldn’t. I had to hold that.”
Schneider also made sure Alicia’s presence was felt through another one of her posessions: her beloved Corvette, which he drove to Nashville for the wedding.
“[Jessica and Daniel] were going to drive away in it,” he explains. “I went from our empty house [in Louisiana] to her empty car, to our empty condo [in Nashville], to holding that dress at the wedding. I mean, talk about a Shakespearean tragedy. Tragic. But what could I do?”
John Schneider carrying Alicia’s mother of the bride dress at the wedding of her daughter Jessica Ann Dollard with Daniel Turner on March 12, 2023 in Nashville.Breigh Anne Photography
Breigh Anne Photography
Despite the overwhelming grief that he felt, Schneider believes he had a responsibility to keep Alicia’s legacy alive — both at the wedding and beyond.
“I try to represent that now. I still try to represent that we’re still us,” he shares. “That’s the name of my new album … and that’s important to me because I didn’t want this. Nobody wanted it. Nobody expected it. This was not in our plan for 2023. So we have to do with it what we can. Representing us is important to me and I think she would be doing the same.”
John Schneider and his wife late wife Alicia Allain Schneider.Courtesy John Schneider
In doing so, Schneider writes daily messages to Alicia onFacebookthat he calls “Letters to Heaven.” Those candid, emotional posts have moved his followers, which have grown to over a million since February.
“I do see that this is helping people, especially those who grieve,” he shares, before noting, “While it’s cathartic, it’s also pulling off a scab every day.”
“The writing helps, but the writing hurts,” he adds. “I’m trying to keep some form of inspiration but it’s very hard, like a candle with a wick and no flame.”
The actor has also launched anAliciaWear clothing linefeaturing phrases she used to say, like “Love That” and “Go Do,” and recently got his first tattoo of her thumbprint on the part of his hand where her thumb would rest when they held hands.
“It’s bittersweet, but it makes me smile,” he says of the ink. “That’s where her thumb was most hours of the day.”
John Schneider’s tattoo of Alicia Allain Schneider’s thumbprint.courtesy John Schneider
courtesy John Schneider
With Alicia’s legacy driving him, Schneider hopes sharing his story will help others who are grieving and remind people to let their loved ones know how they feel about them.
“I could not have told Alicia Allain Schneider I love her any more than I did,” he says proudly. “I have to get to the point where I look around and see where she is, not where she’s not. And I’m trying to do that, but that’s hard. Somehow I love her more every minute, but with that, somehow I miss her more every minute.”
John Schneider at his home in Holden, Louisiana in June 2023.Daymon Gardner
Daymon Gardner
For more on John Schneider, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday, or subscribehere.
He’s also confident that one day he will be reunited with his wife in the afterlife.
“I still wake up in the morning, and I reach for her in groggy sleep. I keep my eyes closed, and I reach over, hoping maybe this was a dream. I’m a creative person. I have some very vivid dreams; maybe this is one of them,” he says. “But as bad as I hurt, I wouldn’t trade a minute of it.”
source: people.com
